One Moment at a Time

Rachael S., Child Advocate

If you ever ask me, I’ll tell you I have the best job at NWAWS. I have been the Child Advocate since January 2009, which means I get to be a kid myself at times. I do a lot of creative and therapeutic art projects with the kids, visit libraries and museums, go swimming and hiking, and discover some of the coolest places NWA has to offer.

But even with all of this fun, at the core, I am working with kids who: have come from a home where they have not felt safe, have witnessed poor versions of conflict resolution, have not been allowed to have a voice of their own, and have learned that the way to get what you want is through manipulation, verbal aggression, threats, and force.

Changing lives, ending domestic violence, changing negative thought patterns, learning coping skills, and rebuilding are huge undertakings. These are not things that happen in one day. So how does a person deal with this long process in a world that is about instant gratification?  I’ve learned to take this job and my life, “One Moment at a Time.”

Here are a few “Moments” I’ve shared.

• A young boy who had seen his father arrested multiple times for violence against his mother struggled with his own anger and aggression. Whenever he felt he or his family were threatened, he would quickly lash out with his fists. This led to me sitting with the kids in shelter and talking about conflict. I told them conflict is a part of life; no matter how good you are, how much you try to avoid it, there will always be conflict. They decided they wanted to learn another way of dealing with conflict. The first lesson is that the only person we are in control of and the only person we can change is ourselves. That is a lesson a lot of people haven’t learned yet!

Next we practiced approaching a conflict. Take deep breathes, use a calm voice, and use this outline: “I feel______(mad, scared, sad, etc.) when you_____ (name calling, hitting, stealing).  And I don’t like that.” Next tell the person what you would like instead. “If you want to_____(play with me, get my attention, borrow a toy, etc.), next time please ask_____(Hey, Rachael, will you play with me, can I borrow your toy, etc.)?

Later that week I saw that same young boy and another kid together. The other made a disparaging remark about the boy’s father. Instead of lashing out instinctively, I saw him stop and think and then he said, “I don’t like it when you talk about my dad.  He’s in a really bad place right now.” He walked off.  That was his “Moment!”

• A young girl who had been in many shelters and had started over time and time again came to us. She had begun stealing as a way to, once again, rebuild her life. One day I noticed something important missing from my office. I approached her and asked for it back. She handed it back, and that was that. Later that day we sat and talked about the incident. I brought up trust and asked how a person earns it. For her this “Moment” was about having an adult approach her about a conflict without screaming, yelling, and hitting. She told me she was shocked that I could just talk to her about this. I hope this “Moment” sticks with her and reminds her that people can change and approach conflict in new ways.

• A young mother with a toddler and a baby had problems at bedtime. The toddler would scream and throw fits for almost an hour.  I had the chance to work with the mother on parenting skills. We looked at conflict resolution and discussed how we can only change and control ourselves. We focused on helping her remain calm when it feels like the world is crumbling around her by taking deep breaths, smiling and walking away if needed and safe. When an adult is stressed, the child feels it and mirrors it. We talked about bedtime before coming to shelter, and she shared that a lot of the conflict between she and her husband happened in the evenings after the children had gone to bed. I made the connection for her that her daughter does not feel safe going to bed because of this pattern. Through coaching she approached her daughter as she was screaming at bedtime and told her “You are safe.  Breathe with me.” The toddler instantly calmed and started doing deep breathes with mom. This was their “Moment!”

So when things feel too hard, too crazy, too disruptive or too savage, take a deep breath and tell yourself,  “I can do this . . . ‘One Moment at a Time.'”

June 23, 2015

(more…)

Amber Lacewell, Outreach Director

Whenever I get the opportunity to speak to a group about domestic violence, one of the first questions I ask is: “When you think of domestic violence, what do you think of?”

As expected, many of the initial responses are about a man hitting a woman, threats of abuse, or something along those lines. Eventually someone will toss out mental or emotional abuse. Sometimes someone mentions isolation from friends and family or abuse among same-sex couples. But do you know what I have never heard as a response?

Teen Dating Violence

Is that even a thing? Yes! Parents, do you talk about dating violence with your kids? Teenagers, do you know if you are in an abusive relationship?

Domestic violence is a large umbrella covering all types of abusive behavior occurring between current or former spouses or dating partners, parents and children, other family members, and people who live together, just to name a few. Although domestic violence between teens is handled differently than with adults in the legal system, teen dating violence is commonly recognized as a form of domestic abuse. And there is a good reason for that.

According to the 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey,

“1 in 5 women and nearly 1 in 7 men who ever experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, first experienced some form of intimate partner violence between 11 and 17 years of age.”

Teens and pre-teens, even though they are children, are not immune to domestic violence. As our children start to explore their freedom and interpersonal relationships, it is the responsibility of parents, family members, and the community to teach them about the warning signs. We need to keep the door open for conversations about what is going on in their relationships.

A CDC Fact Sheet summarizes teen dating violence in the following ways:

• Physical Abuse—pinching, hitting, shoving, slapping, or kicking
• Psychological/Emotional Abuse—name calling, shaming, bullying/manipulation, embarrassing on purpose, or isolating from friends or family
• Sexual Abuse—forcing someone to participate in any sexual act without their explicit consent which includes spreading or threatening to spread rumors, videos, or photos
• Stalking—patterns of behavior that threaten or harass with the goal of making the victim fearful

Loveisrespect has an interactive Relationship Spectrum on their website to help identify healthy and abusive behaviors that can occur within a dating relationship as well.

No matter what age the parties are, things like calling someone names and extreme jealousy are not okay. Even seemingly innocent behaviors can become more abusive and lead to increasingly violent behavior. Today’s victims and perpetrators of domestic violence were once teenagers, too. Will you help us stop the cycle before it even starts?

If you are an adult, what are you doing to encourage healthy relationships with your children, grandchildren, mentees, and students?

Teens, how can you help your friends stay safe?

Tell us on Facebook: here
and Twitter: @NWAWS

We are grateful for the support of our sponsors and of the teams that have registered to date. As soon as details are finalized for the rescheduled date, we will post information here and on all our social media sites.

Thank you!

Capt. Hayes Minor of the Rogers Police Department joined the NWA Women’s Shelter Board of Directors in 2012. He and Executive Director Melanie Palmer realized quickly that victims of domestic violence were being pinballed between law enforcement and the shelter because each side knew information the other side did not, but rarely did either side know the victim’s whole story. They decided that this problem could be alleviated by creating a position that links the law enforcement side of victim advocacy with the shelter side. The idea of an officer who works with only with domestic violence cases was born. Capt. Minor took this idea and ran with it. By April 2014, he created the position of Domestic Violence Coordinator, and Officer John Harmon was promoted into this position.

Officer Harmon’s only concern is victims of domestic violence. Anytime an officer responds to a domestic violence related call, Officer Harmon is assigned to that case. Whether or not the responding officer made an arrest, took a report, or just had the parties separate for the night, Officer Harmon is notified of every single incident. His main duty is to follow up with all of these victims. A follow up consists of asking the victim how they are doing, letting them know what happened with their abuser as far as the legal system in concerned, informing the victim of the next steps that will be taken against the abuser, and offering to obtain copies of legal documents (arrest records, No Contact Orders, etc.) for the victim. In many cases, he conducts interviews with victims and abusers, obtains arrest warrants, and makes arrests. He also works closely with Prosecutor’s Office to press charges against abusers.

Officer Harmon attends Order of Protection hearings for any Rogers domestic violence victim who files for an Order. He even testifies on their behalf when needed.  He is responsible for attending trainings that pertain to police work as well as domestic violence and sexual assault, and then provides that information to other officers within the Rogers Police Department so that all officers understand the dynamics of domestic violence better and how that should affect their police work.

Every Tuesday from 1pm- 4pm, Miranda Black, the Court Advocate at NWAWS, sits with Officer Harmon at the Rogers Police Department. They discuss the dynamics of domestic violence, how officers respond to domestic violence situations, and discuss clients who have signed a Release of Information with NWAWS to speak to Officer Harmon on their behalf. Victims of domestic violence are able to come to the police department during this time to meet with the Court Advocate to ask about resources, get emotional support, and learn about the shelter. Officer Harmon and the Court Advocate keep open lines of communication to ensure every victim who needs help is receiving the best assistance possible.

This partnership means that victims of domestic violence in our community are receiving better services from our shelter and law enforcement.  Thank you to Rogers Police Department for your proactive response to the problem of domestic violence in our Northwest Arkansas community!

The NWA Women’s Shelter thrift store needs your help! Help us to maintain our commitment to never turn anyone away that is escaping abuse by volunteering your time and talents at our thrift store.

We are looking for groups to help out M-F 10am-6pm and especially on Saturday afternoon/evenings from 10am-8pm.

This is a perfect opportunity  for a youth group, church group or team building exercise. Bring a friend or two and help us make our community a safer place for everyone!

Yu can also support our mission by donating gently used house wares, electronics, clothing, and furniture. Make sure to check out our new location if you have not already. 1622 S. 8^th St, Rogers.

For more information about volunteering or to schedule a donation pickup, contact Rose Stanton at 479 246-9999. For questions about donation drop-offs, contact the thrift store at 621-6116.

The Northwest Arkansas Women’s Shelter provides weekly support groups in English and Spanish for survivors of domestic violence. The support groups are based on the idea that participants working together in a safe, friendly, non-judgmental environment can change their lives for the better. The program provides a safe, gentle, and effective way for survivors to express and release painful feelings, and to overcome the abusive messages that they learned from their abusers. The format is a self-help group run in 1 and ½ hour sessions over the period of 12 weeks. Individuals who are referred to the group are under no pressure whatsoever to attend every session. Both self-referrals and agency referrals are accepted.

The three main aims of the support group are:

• To learn about healthy patterns of behavior within relationships
• To raise awareness of a person’s basic rights
• To build self-esteem, self-determination, and empowerment

Domestic violence includes physical, sexual, physiological, or financial abuse that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behavior. Nearly three out of four or 74% of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence according to 2013 statistics found by the Domestic Violence Resource Center.

Survivors often draw strength and benefit from interaction with other survivors of abuse. Support groups increases participants’ understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships by working through the weekly activities; and by sharing their experiences with other members, participants’ feelings of shame, guilt, and loneliness diminish. For the group to function effectively, however, participation must be an autonomous choice.

We are proud to offer such an important service free of charge to all victims of domestic violence who wish to join one of our support groups.